Today I thought we would take a look at the complex dynamics in relationships with people who have BPD. Things can be extremely challenging at times, and often (although by no means exclusively) relationships can fail and you may be left thinking of how to detach from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. In this guide, we look at the difficulties, examples, and solutions you can consider implementing.
Creating boundaries or ending a relationship with someone is always challenging. There are many hurtful ways to do it—ghosting, insults, or avoidance—but there are also respectful and understanding approaches. Sometimes, this means considering a person’s mental health since it affects how they think, feel, and interact.
For instance, borderline personality disorder (BPD) impacts how people manage emotions. Those with BPD might see things in extremes, act impulsively, and quickly change their feelings about others. Like all mental health conditions, BPD’s impact on relationships is complex. There’s no one-size-fits-all method to create healthy boundaries or separate from someone with BPD. However, here are some therapist-approved tips on how to do it with care. Read on for more insights.
Detaching From Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Part of healthy, open communication in a relationship is expressing necessary boundaries while being respectful of the other person. Setting healthy boundaries with someone who has BPD isn’t all that different from setting them with anyone else.
The first step is to share why a specific boundary is important and why you want to implement or change it, says Clary Figueroa, MSW, a Group Facilitator at Charlie Health. It helps to create a clear picture of what the future will look like.
Figueroa suggests being open to understanding each other’s needs and finding ways to meet both. “It’s a compromise,” she says. “Try not to devalue or criticize the other person for their feelings, even if you don’t understand them. Something small to you may mean a lot to someone with BPD.” Once you set a boundary, try to stick to it. Consistency helps establish clear expectations and ensures the boundary isn’t overstepped.
Ending a relationship, however, requires nuance. Figueroa explains that it depends on how BPD manifests in the person. “Making time to speak directly and in person is best. Stick to the facts and explain why you want to end the relationship,” she advises. However, if the partner has been abusive, ending the relationship from a distance, like over the phone, might be safer.
If ending the relationship isn’t the decision, it’s possible to proactively cope with BPD and maintain a healthy relationship. Regular check-ins to express feelings about each other and the relationship can be helpful. In either case, a therapist can support the relationship by helping both parties learn healthy communication and emotional regulation. Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is also beneficial, as it helps people understand and manage their emotions during BPD recovery.
The Impact of Borderline Personality Disorder on Relationships
BPD symptoms significantly impact a person’s experience in relationships. According to Clary Figueroa, MSW, a Group Facilitator at Charlie Health, these symptoms typically include:
- Experiencing mood swings
- Struggling with a sense of identity
- Devaluing themselves or others
- Idealizing themselves or others
- Feeling intense emotions
- Struggling to regulate emotions
Additionally, there’s quiet BPD, which can lead to emotional detachment and symptoms like submissive behaviours, depression, and a lack of trust in others. BPD can result from a mix of factors, including environmental stress, neglect, trauma, and possibly genetics. Studies indicate that people are more likely to develop BPD if a family member has it, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
A person living with BPD might engage in splitting, viewing themselves and others in extremes. During these times, they “may lash out or find ways to ‘test’ others for reassurance. They might quickly recover from a splitting episode or fall into shame spirals,” says Figueroa. It’s important to note that these emotions vary from person to person. Someone with BPD might also have intense, fast-moving relationships, quickly falling in love and breaking up just as swiftly.
These factors can deeply affect the other person in the relationship. A person with BPD might seek constant reassurance from their partner, which can be challenging. “They may feel they cannot meet their partner’s needs or feel burnt out,” says Figueroa. “Due to shifting mood swings, they might feel confused or experience a whiplash effect. Partners can also feel hurt during splitting episodes when their loved one shifts from loving them to hating them.”
It’s essential to understand that the person with BPD is not the “problem,” and the other person is not “perfect.” This perspective doesn’t account for nuances, such as the possibility of the other person also having a mental health condition or other traits that influence their role in the relationship. Instead, it’s a specific look at how BPD can affect a relationship and how a partner can show respect and understanding.
Effective Ways to Support Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder (BPD), it’s easy to get caught up in trying to please and appease them. You might end up putting most of your energy into the person with BPD, neglecting your own emotional needs. This can lead to resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness.
You can’t help someone else or maintain satisfying relationships when you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. Just like in an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your oxygen mask first.”
Avoid the temptation to isolate yourself. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen, care for you, and provide reality checks when needed.
Remember, you’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. Both you and your BPD relationship will benefit from your improved perspective.
Consider joining a support group for BPD family members. Meeting others who understand what you’re going through can be incredibly helpful. If you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, think about joining an online BPD community.
Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating well, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily be overlooked when you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you’re healthy and well-rested, you’re better equipped to handle stress and manage your own emotions and behaviours.
Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behaviour will only increase your loved one’s anger or agitation. By practising with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.
Keep in Mind the 3 C’s Rule
Many friends or family members can often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behaviour that often occurs in people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). You might wonder what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse or feel responsible for any setbacks or relapses in their treatment.
However, it’s crucial to remember that you are not responsible for another person’s actions. The person with BPD is responsible for their own behaviours.
Keep in mind the 3 C’s:
- I didn’t cause it.
- I can’t cure it.
- I can’t control it.
Final Thoughts
It’s very common for relationships between loved ones and somebody suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder to have at times uncomfortable, or even explosive interactions. If you or a loved one is suffering from BPD remember that things said in the heat of the moment are often said without basis, meaning or understanding. If you’re struggling to detach from somebody with this disorder then support is available to you. I hope this guide has been useful and please let me know your thoughts in the comments section below. Until next time. Keep on keeping on.
Sources: I. Charlie Health II. Phycnet APA Org Detachment
